The Wise one says…

I have always been averse to clicking that harmless button for adding a new category..but I guess it had been too long. I am intimidated by the long complex ordered tree of the categories and subcategoires bloggers do. So ..I clicked this button.

I am 20 now. Some would call it a long life..and it indeed it is. With me…there is so much that can happen…a lot of it has..a lot of it is yet to. So..here I will have some interesting events of my life…..

The English Class.

Here was  I in the IXth standard. An absolute nerd to the core of my heart (which my frnds..still would believe but trust me..had you known me…you would have seen what maaaaasssssive change I have gone through// almost as massive as my bloated spelling )

We were assigned a poster making task by our English teacher, whom I was really fond of. It was me…and my arch rival Anupam. Both of us were the toppers in English…both our mothers used to teach in the same school…both were English teacher’s favorites…

The topic had to be chosen then. We were several benches apart..a good 5 or so. When both of us had chosen the same topic..”Racism”. Probably call it the “DIfferent strokes” impact on the young Anglically cultivated…TV watching youth of our generation..(you would still find them downloading I dream of Jeanie..) We were supposed to write a slogan as well..and tada,..here we had taken out the pen and paper…and we were the ones who started to scribble.

“Not right now..bacche” Pointed the ENglish teacher.

The morning after, I had my bench mate (who is still at great terms with me) approaching me with his “Traffic Rules” poster. He was looking for a slogan..and I had one.

“Respect this tricolor too”

Not mine..I had seen it somewhere…and hence…I wont mind if poor guy is accused of copying it down.

Assessment…and bada bing…..I was not in best 5…nor was my nemesis. But my bench buddy topped!!

whoa?????? I worked my ass off…he worked his ass off…and some monkey gets the bread. Boy…so ..unfair.

“Beta…beautiful slogan…wonderful. Did you write it” said the teacher to him.

“Yes mam” said he.

(That schmuck..)

“Nigam…you have written it…Nigam…..”  said Anupam

“Mam…I object” A boy had raised some objection…..

wait…that was me.

“Mam..I wrote the slogan”

And he got a minus marking..so did I.

I still dont believe I had done this to someone who used to sit by me all the time. We were really really good friends..and we still are. But..man was I hungry for attention or what!

Anyways..the glory was mine….I had just written that slogan!!

My Apoligies..buddy….its something…I cant explain the logic behind.

Abhishek and Swayam have tagged me!

1. What does my user name mean?
People decipher and tell me iago was the one in Othello..I just say naaa….he was just a red garrulous bird in Aladdin!

2. Elaborate on your user photo..
Some toon villain…I dont remember the series..but recall the very grin.

3. How many comments do you have?
People are mean…they just dont stop by.

4. Whats your current relationship status?
I am So Single!

5. What exactly are you wearing right now?
something thats little shorter than a PJ and a little longer to be a boxer… and a tee

6. What is your current problem?
Internship..what else

7. Who do you love the most?
I think it gotta be a cliche…I love myself.

8. What makes you most happy?
Doing nothing…just idle talk with friends

9. Are you musically defined?
Ya..more of a country boy.

10. What would you do if you woke up one morning and discovered you were on cocaine?
Strike it off my list.

11.If you could go back in time and change some thing what would it be?
I think I woud have…taken some sport.

12. If you must be an animal for a day, what would you be?
A crocodile…Eat…relax..and dont get skinned.

13. Ever had a near death experience?
I play really safe. I have to say no. But some people might have had near death experience when I drive.

14. Name an obvious quality you have?
Has to be impatience topping it is lethargy. Weird mix.

15. What’s the name of the song that’s stuck in your head right now?
Iris.

16. Are you happy today?
Happy..lets see. I got those lossey Mooseys..and then I havent studied a bit for the practical… Yes I am happy.

17. Who will cut and paste this first?
I dont really get this one.

18. Name someone with the same birthday as yours
Dont really remember…

19. Do you have a secret crush on someone?
Ya..hmmmmmm…

20. Do you have a garbage disposal in your kitchen sink?
Ya..hmmmmmm…..

21. have you ever been in a fight?
I am a magnate. I get into these cold wars..all the time. And..with teachers..OMG…I have a thing to take on the teachers and get screwed in practicals.

22. have you ever sung infront of a large audience?
I used to sing….ya pre-teens…Have won too!! Those good ole patriotic songs.

23. Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
wow…I think its…the way one talks. Tells a lot.

24. Say something totally random about yourself?
I hate my college…I am one jealous creature …I hate half the people I meet…and…I am not stydying when I should…bloody tag.

25. Has anyone said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes…I was compared to srk in that jodi flick..only heavier.

26. Are you comfortable with your height?
Not really.

27. What is the most romantic thing somebody’s done for you?
hmm…I gues…long walks…is the farthest I have gone (literally)

28. What are your favourite smells?
wet earth, lemon..not a fancy fragrance guy. Love all sorts of citrus smells

29. What’s something that totally annoys you?
liars..

30. What’s something you really like?
Vela with freinds…

31. Do you give random hugs and kisses?
not really….as a matter of fact my cousin is the only person whom I have hugged several isolated times.

32.32. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up?
In Jaipur that was 5 o clock or so…when I was trying to sleep but AP and abhishek wont stop telling their ghost tales…I was so so irritated.

33. have you ever been rushed into the emergency room?
Ya…some pill I am allergic to had reacted(dont remember the name..oops)

34. Whom would you tag?
Ran out of people I know who blog….Make it a loop then…I tag Abhishek And Swayam again.

I see this show Roadies, and for the fact that it makes a fun coffee table discussion is the only reason I am writing about it. Actually its not the only reason. I find the whole process of hunting a couple of odd balls, and then two baldies taking out on them.. feeds the sadist in me..infact in all of us.

Its the sheer transformation of this horrid bore next door who possibly cant even read a polysyllabic word without stuttering n number of times (n>no of syllables). People like you and me…just a little more good looking getting kicked below the belt, or fighting a pro wrestler and then getting his ligaments and tendons and all sort of obscure tissues ripped right away..earns my sympathy. They call it the Roadies spirit. And then..the mean human drama. The make up clad bimbette with her sobs and the mean horrid bitch playing the seductress in some episode is what really truely fetches them the TRP. Most colorful usage of the vernacular slurrs which would shy a hardcore dehati boy as well. Its actually…beeps you are listening to half of the time.

I dared watched an episode with my dad..where this one seemingly harmless looking girl indulged in a weird discussions involving a lot of beeped out words (doesnt take an Einstein’s to figure out though). TO which my dad commented “Look at this new generation…wonder where they are headed”.

Its a show…an educational show to be precise. Its a pre-pubic teenage boy’s dictionary to look out for all the “hau ji” words and all the finger gestures. Keeping in mind that show also about the human capacities and overcoming ones limitations unless its rigged, It would give the soaps a run for their vamps.. lest the show gives a VJ once a while. Thats Roadies…its just plain weird show involving bunch of misadventurists and the eggheads.

I am done with all the mediocrity, all the laid back self…all the lethargy that has got me….all the incompentency…all the excuses….Enough.

“Nigam gotta worry…DR companies pulling their offers”

Really?? Thats what should worry me?? Enough with the reductionist mentality…use it somewhere else!

Just finished Sophie’e World. Had such an eerie feeling towards the end..when I was choking because I was feeling the ethereal presence of something more powerful than the free will. What I am doing..I am waving my hand..but wait..somebody is holding all the strings…I think I am free but I am not coz someone is living my life for me..I am just a means to achieve his ends. I am his creature…I might be written off any time I stop amusing him with my surreal display of my non-existent will.

I would just quote Goethe’s couplet which I read in the book only…having read which ..I think I have never lived.

A foolish word gone by.

How so then, gone?

Gone to sheer nothin, past with null made one!

What matters creative’e endless toil,

when at a snatch, the oblivion ends the coil

As good as if things had never begun

yet circle back,existence to possess

I would rather have eternal emptiness.

Call them a coin,  a die may be. They have all been  compared to, pondered upon, ventured into. Lets not embark upon the traced routes. What purpose a platitudinous analogy, like the ones described serves but to draw the curtains close on our belief(s). Is superstition a mere extrusion of this “belief”? Are they separable?? Aren’t they two different words for a single idea??  ’ superstition not like a side effect of the belief “pills” we have been collectively taking?? Worldly analysis  wont hold any answer, for answers may  vary. One has to define on his/her own, or leave oneself open to mine! 

The matters beyond the reach of our logic, far far away from the grasp of our faculty for reason, the unfathomable, the fuzzy is something we call  belief. It is something which cannot be proved to exist /occur empirically nor can it be ruled out. The God and the Evil have existed in our ideas since the birth of our civilization. Was the idea of God created by a megalomaniac who wanted to rule the world or God  really does exist? Philosophers, historians, Scientists have explored every possible theory one  can imagine of but ofcourse without any conclusions or results. Such is belief. What we are incapable to explain, we tend to attribute it to the “divine”, we wear it as a cross sometimes, we call them our beliefs.

It is time we delve into the notion of superstition. Sacrifices,black cats and voodoo dolls is what one often pictures of after a casual mention of this word. The ills of belief are conveniently sidelined into the superstition. The new age man has carefully picked the rights from wrongs that manifest in the religious beliefs we carry. Sacrificial rituals are taboo now, but dont they come from the same roots the religion has come from?? Didnt Jesus ask for Abraham’s Isaac? Superstion is the belief of era gone by, and also the belief of some who still choose to let their lives defined by it.   If  one chooses to wear a david’s star across one’s chest, I definitely rightfully deserve and thus I claim my liberty of knocking on the wood every time I run  out of my “luck”. Why is it being seen as superstition?? Superstition is the something coined by neo-religious urban who visits the temple to please the lord but finds it gross to see people lashing themselves to attain salvation. Why does one’s belief is pronounced sinister, less sensicle than others?? I may believe in the witch doctress, and by doing so I risk being called a mad man.

Belief and superstition are the same. Some may want to refer to a thesaurus, but as I declared that answers are specific to ones individuality. My belief are someone else’s superstition and vice versa. Superstition,Belief, fate,omen,destiny are all alibis for the irrational behaviour a man puts up. I see no difference between the believers and the ones who overdo theirs. Blasphemies be forgiven but I restore my belief in the competency of the non believer rather than the “up above the world so high”.

Since all my efforts for upheavel of my doomed career are falling apart, I am giving a serious thought to become a philosopher. I dont imply that philosophers are people with no aim, pursuit,desire,work..but tend to state otherwise. The wisest of men in the history of mankind have sacrificed the  meaningless pursuit of families, and wives and sons and all the possesion, but felt the greater urge to “stare into the magician’s eyes” as Jostein Gaarder puts it. So, i think recession is a good time to ask myself a lot of questions. I must realize that its the questions needed to be asked, not the answers to be looked for. 

So..here am I, asking myself alot of silly questions. I remeber, once at some distant cousin’s distant engagement party, I was asked by another seemingly distant cousins about  my views on the matrimony. I can precisely recall the conversation (goes unsaid..:P  I always do)..

“Ha…love the whole ladki wale v/s ladke wale tussle”

“Ya sure..you do!”

“So…what sort of marriage you gonna have”

“I dont really believe in  the institution of marriage”

“what? Not even love marriage? “

“Doesnt matter…all these fireworks…and noise..and the glitter…thats what I dont approve of”

“Not even food?”

“No..that I think..is the reason that I am gracing this bling fest for. I am gonna be the blasphemous one…if I get married”

“Why??”

He ended..disapproving…worried…concerned about the weed, the balck sheep, the white tiger?? (Apologies…:) couldnt resist)

The proponants have corrupted the very soul of the idea behind the very religion. It is something you are born into. Converion, ablution,cleansing,exorcism nothing makes slightest of the sense. I think I would rather be a pagan..(I am looking for my reasons to visit stonehenge..)

Its funny how hopelessly trivial things/issues bloom into huge ideological differences over the span of 1000 years. Something as simple as the belief in vision and belief in hearing can make two sects blood thirsty. Remember Swift’s Liliput?? That is what I am talking bout. Recently during our class elections for the placement coordianator..one mascara clad girl rightly raised her voice against all the politics and all the evil springing in the room

“Sir, these small differences are what transmutate to larger issues. Already alot is happening in our country. We can live without this rivalry”

People laughed,I too. May be we are too innocent to realise what she had said. May be will…some 1000 years will see the factions in humanity…the “Baruans and the Prateekans”

Masses…are often made a sheep out of.

How was my experience??

Like standing  between two mirrors without any piece of clothing. You see so many projections of your ownslef, each different in its own way, yet what they are what but a mere trickery of the tungsten marvel hanging over your head!

Reading fountainhead was opening my eyes to myself!

Funny isnt it! Living, breathing, existing for 20 years and have been doing it wrong.

I was happy for people thought I knew! I was happy for they believed in me, I was hailed, celebrated for I was believed to be what I wasnt. The basis of my complacency was built upon this seemingly unravellable web of lie. more than lie..I can call it misconception, illusion. Sounds like matrix? Yes.!

The age of popular vote sweeps me off my feat. The masses like ants, with aimless pursuit of gathering the souls …carrying them to safe storage….so they can thrived upon later. Mobs will take us all to beravement and nothing more.

Been tagged Toohey. Funny! When people who read this novel  tend to think of me as the epitome of all the evil in the book. The second handed parasite is what I am being reduced to!

I am Roark, I am Keating, I am Toohey at times. All these sub-consciuos beings manifest in my little troubled brain. They all fight everyday amongst themselves for the ultimate supremacy over the others…that is how I read the fountainhead.

I need a break.

wonder is it  coma I seek or a just a worldly vacation would do?

How does one get into coma?? Can it be induced by oneself?? Would it be legal…as in…wont it be half a suicide??

What are the odds that I might actually come back from this great “vacation” I want to go on??

If nothing…nothing here makes senese to you , dont be mad at me….be nice. You being rude might increase my appetite for…you know..a longer vacation…say an eternity long (No…I dont believe in reincarnations!)

For all those people who think money is the next best thing that has happened to mankind after the “high you experience during sex and masturbation” (verbatim in quotes : NOT MY WORDS), As far as their observations or perception or any “shuns” they go around blue pinning everywhere…I might be the devil’s advocate or the devil for the worse!

Why do I even begin writing this post?? Doesnt matter. ANythin I say is not really required,Justification is not I yearn for.  What all that matters is that I got humiliated ( to do:”Stop getting humiliated”) in front of all my batch mates, bout 500 of them (or for better just 100, if 400 had left already). The absence of any reference would wrongfully suggest any implication of the humiliation inflicted upon me in public!

“Sir, I believe in the ideology that you are trying to put through, but what disturbs me is that it is being marketed as a product.? Why?”

In response to what, the crisp white Kurta clad protege’ of the guru himself, “It is a very pathetic attitude people have, If a milkman doesnt promote milk, would you buy it?” (What?????) But here comes the blow..

“Porn sells itself, nobody says anything bout it. Booze sells itself and nobody talks of its marketing…? But here you do one good thing, and people  are there…”

Yes here were the people, I was the people. I was the epitome of all the bad, all the wrong in this world. I was the minion of the anti Christ! Possessed, deranged, pure evil.

There were other ways I thought of formulating my question into.. “So, The idea propagates, intends to help the mankind. Give hope to the depressed. How much do yo charge for it again??”

So..I picked the least offensive ,even that kind of attracted the wrath.

I sometimes feel that I give my opponents the brick bat they can beat me with. I most often do; so I hereby..take a vow that I wont ever ask a question  nothing worthwhile could come out of.(My acquaintances will not be spared though)

I am not anti-spiritual. I believe in the intrinsic strength our mind is capable of. Makes a slave out of my conscience to be precise. But (sorry for the bromides…again) churning money, raking the moolah. I see them as hoodwinking the masses. Promising the happiness which even they confess nobody else but you have to find. The are  claiming to be a dish washer, just go through a clean and dry cycle and here you are..all shiny and lemon fresh. Things unfortunately dont work that way as far as I know.

“What is love?” asked a curious bespectacled beauty!

“Love is not an emotion. Love is something superior. Again, we teach about  love in our advanced workshops.” I see a great deal of baggage attached to the answer. Its one of the smartest, subtlest way to attract a person to their workshop. Selling it…Buy happiness. Buy satisfaction. Buy Buy Buy….sale sale sale.

The watchmaker made the watch, I will teach the watch how to tick. This is how I perceive the whole lecture as. May be I am wrong. May be I am in an “ayn rand” mode.

But Kinda figured out what I had problems with. I, am not at peace with the mass movements, which tend to suppress the individuality in people. The sheep leading the lions is the smartest of them all. The sheep has made them believe in it rather than themselves.

The irony here is that it was me conforming to the herd the moment I signed on my admission form for DCE.

Anyways… whats said is said, whats done is done. I am the professed “porn king” and the chronic “alcoholic” in DCE. I think I can live with the titles.

Am I confused?? May be I am.

But for now..I take the stand..I stick to it.